My best parenting secret

This is top shelf stuff.  You may want to book mark this.  I am about to share with you the one thing that is guaranteed to make parenting easier.


I promise, if you do this one thing with your kids, all the other parenting stuff you have to do literally and figuratively becomes childs play.  This is my number one parenting tip.  I should be charging for this, but here you go...



Tire the little cavemen out.  Whatever you have to do, exhaust their energy stores.  Yes, you have to feed them.  And you have to put them to bed.  And those two things lead to more energy, not less.


But, after doing those two things, your number one priority should be to use up whatever energy the little buggers have managed to accumulate.  Wipe them out.  Your goal everyday should be to completely wear them out.  You're looking for pint sized zombies that can barely climb into bed by the end of the day.


This is the absolute best thing you can do to ensure your deheathenification process (what most folks call parenting) is successful.  I'm not talking about breaking their spirit or will to fight or anything crazy like that... just making sure they are too tired to put up much of a fight.  A deceptively simple, yet devastatingly effective Semi Crunchy Dad technique.

• Can't throw food at the table if your too tired to lift your arms.
• Won't have the energy to jump off the back of the couch if you've been running around all day.
• Can't kick your toys if you've been kicking leaves and sticks and anything else in your path all day.

The list goes on and on.  After completing the exhaustion procedure, what you are left with are kids who don't have the energy to be rude, impolite, defiant, or otherwise troublesome.  Pliable children who will actually listen to you and follow directions.


And the best part?  The exhaustion procedure does no permanent damage to your beloved children.  The next day, they wake up better than ever and you can start all over.  In fact, a broad range of experts actually recommend you do this.  Sure, they use more moderate language (they call it playing), hoping to reach a broader audience, but they are essentially saying the same thing.  From the AAP to Parenting magazines, to your favorite babysitter, the message is the same as mine- get off the couch.  Even our President is echoing my advice...

Yes, I understand that many of you aren't fans, but how bad can he be if he's following my lead?

Of course, when the weather is nice, it's a little easier to get kids off the couch by heading outside.  But what about when it's just too nasty to go out?  There are lots of inside activities, but they are all a bit less effective since being inside necessitates a reduced level of energy expenditure to avoid breaking Mom's important stuff.  The end result is that if inclement weather last more than a few days, energy stores (since they aren't completely burned off) can reach a critical mass.  Behavior deteriorates rapidly, safety mechanisms fail, and child (and possibly parental) meltdown is imminent. 


The only solution is to perform an emergency SCRAM.


Some of you movie and history buffs may know that SCRAM stands for Safety Cut Rope Axe Man.  According to some accounts, literally a guy with an axe who had to cut a rope and dump cadmium rods into a nuclear reactor to stop a meltdown.


In the parenting world, SCRAM means Semi Crunchy Rapid Alleviation Mechanism.  In layman's terms- get the hell out of the house in order to prevent a meltdown.  The acronym may not be as cool, but  the stakes are no less serious and the consequences are no less perilous.


You need to have some kind of safety mechanism in place.  The excess energy that has built  up needs to be released before Chernobyl takes place in your family room.  It could be just about anything that allows for the rapid dissipation of heathen energy.


Our favorite rapid alleviation mechanism is a place called The Maine Jump.  It's a big warehouse sort of place that's filled up with various bouncy houses and slides.  No matter the weather, the boys can run, jump, slam into each other (and embarrassingly) and other kids, and help contribute to the pile ups at the bottom of the slides.


They love it.  And so do I.  The price of admission is good for all the hours from open to close- the boys could stay all day if they wanted.  It's well lit, it's clean, it's safe.  It helps get the boys socialized (another important step in the deheathenification process).  And it is so much fun to watch their faces just light up.  It's pure, unadulterated joy.  I have fun just watching them.  The staff is friendly. The mens room even has a changing table.  There is a toddlers only play space.  And the orange slushies are the best I've had in six states.


If only they had beer on tap to go with the pizza.  Daddy Nirvana!


Seriously though.  I can't say enough good things about The Maine Jump.  If you're anywhere close, check them out.  And like their Facebook page to get updated on all the specials they run.


So there you go.  My best parenting secret.  Get them out, and wear them out, because a tired child is too tired to climb the kitchen cabinets.  And make sure you have your own SCRAM procedures in place for when you can't get them out.