Chapter One

I thought it would be fun to tell you about some of the goofy stuff the boys do as if it were an actual Children's story... Can you tell what and who I've been reading to the boys at bedtime this week?

Chapter One

In which Elliott learns a recipe for stew from Fergus the Slightly Smelly Basset Hound and shares it with his Father.

After feeling a familiar but not quite precise rumbling somewhere between his head and toes, Elliot sprang up from the floor.  First he decided he needed to use the potty.  When the rumbling continued, he decided that he must need something to eat.


"All of this work as an engineer and conductor and trying to turn matchbox cars and toy tucks and wooden blocks into a proper train is very difficult.  One can work up quite an appetite trying to turn them into a proper train" he said to himself and anyone else near by, which was all of us.


Being a toddler of the Independent Sort, he decided that the thing to do was to make something for himself to eat and so he went to the kitchen to gather the neccesary tools and ingedients.  On the way to the kitchen, he stepped on Fergus's tail, rousing the Slightly Smelly Basset Hound from his third nap of the morning.


"Fergus" said Elliott, "Since you are awake, perhaps you could come with me to the kitchen in order to make something to eat and relieve the rumbling I feel somewhere between my head and my toes.  I know that you are a Basset Hound with very refined tastes, and I am confident that we can put your keen senses to work."


Fergus, wide awake now and turning round to see why his tail should be hurting replied with a snuffly sort of basset snort.  "Well Elliott, it appears that I am now awake, although I'm not sure why, and since I am awake, it is probably as good a time as any to eat a little something."  And together, they proceeded into the kitchen to gather neccesary tools and ingredients.


Eliott went to the bottom drawer, were he kept his best yellow plastic form and his fine set of Melissa and Doug wooden cookware.  He pulled out his largest stock pot and put the fork in.  "I think this pot is too big.  If I try and cook something in this pot, I could put my hand into the hot ingredients and burn it."  Tossing the pot aside (where it banged into the refrigerator), he went back to the drawer.  This time he pulled out a slightly smaller pot and this time, when he placed his best yellow plastic fork inside, the top of the fork was clearly visable above the rim.  "Excellent, now I shall not burn my hand when stirring the hot ingredients."


Fergus concurred with another snuffely sort of snort.  "One does have to be careful with one's fingers around hot ingredients" he stated while turning round the other direction to look at his tail.


"Now that we have the proper tools, we need to find the propper ingredients.  And although I am a toddler of an Independent Sort, I am rather short and cannot reach the cupboards.  I am sure that is where Father keeps all the ingredients.


Fergus yawned loudly, wondering if they would actually eat anything before it was time for his fourth nap of the morning.  "What we need Elliott, is a recipe".


"I already tried that Fergus, and it did not relieve the rumbling."


"That is the wrong sort of pee Elliott"


"Oh, I see" said Elliott, although he really didn't.  "And where would we get a recipe?"


"Your father keeps them up there, on the shelf next to the ingredients."


"Oh, I see" Elliott said excitedly and this time he really could.  "But how shall we get one?  I am still rather short and you lack opposable thumbs."


Fergus thought Elliott seemed concerned and sought to reassure him.  "We don't need one of your father's recipes.  As a Basst with very refined taste, I happen to have have memorized some of my own favorites, which I will share with you.  Now, since you pointed out my lack of thumbs, I'll ask that you follow me.  I will lead you to the ingredients we need, and you can pick them up and put them in the pot."


"Well, that sounds fine, Fergus.  This is working out very well indeed."  And then he followed Fergus through the kitchen.


Stopping in front of the cabinet that contained the waste bucket, Fergus sniffed.  Then he licked.  "As I suspected.  This is a piece of butter wrapping paper.  If you would be so kind Elliott."  Elliot was kind and placed the butter wrapping paper into the pot.


And in front of the desk, Fergus found some dog kibble that his keen senses had failed to detect the night before.  "And these please."  A stop under the table revealed some bits of oatmeal from the morning's breakfast.  They also found a grape (minus one bite) and some pieces of apple skin)  And the doormat gave up a clump of fine cat hair as well as some bits of bark and pine needles.  Elliott cheerfully put all in the pot.


Fergus put his nose down into the pot and sniffed earnestly several times.  "This recipe calls for one more ingredient Elliott."  Elliott shrugged his shoulders happily, waiting for instruction, but glad to be learning so much about recipes from his friend.


Fergus continued to search for the last ingredient, while Elliott followed behind, ready with thumbs and pot and fork.  At the boot tray, they found it.  "This Elliott, is a lady bug, and a lady bug is the Key Ingredient in this recipe."


Elliott tried to pick up the lady bug, but it scrambled away in a decidely unladylike fashion.  Fergus uttered a short growl followed by a sharp bark.  "Oftentimes it is neccessary to stun the lady bug before adding it to the pot Elliott.  Especially when they don't want to be a Key Ingredient".


Working Very Quickly, Elliott added the stunned bug who was the Key Ingedient to the pot.


"Now Elliott, You must stir vigorously.  Elliott liked to stir.  Very much in fact.  Stirring, and causing a stir were specialties of his.  "Okaaaaay!" he squealed.


Fergus watched for a moment and then gave Elliott an "Arrrooooooo" of approval.


"Do you think it's ready now Fergus?"  Elliott had been stirring vigorously for five seconds which is a very long time to a toddler, even one of an Independent Sort.


"Let me try some" Fergus said and Elliott offered him the yellow fork.  After licking it several times, he said "Mmmmm, yes, it's ready.  Now you try some."


Elliott was quite glad to try some and found that it did indeed relieve the rumbling somewhere between his head and toes.  "Does this recipe have a name Fergus?"


"Oh yes"  said Fergus.  "This is my Uncle's recipe for Bugswick Stew.  He is a Somewhat Smellier Basset Hound, who became quite famous in the south after he created this recipe."


"Well I can see why, it really is quite something delicious.  Do you think we should give some to Father?"


Fergus, a bit tired after putting his keen senses to work was ready to begin his fourth nap of the morning.  "Yes, I think you should" he said sleepily.  "I'm sure he would enjoy it and would thank you and congratulate you on having such refined taste for a toddler of an Independent Sort."

Valentine's day is approaching

And I'm doing nothing.  I don't do Valentine's day.  Seriously, I don't.  Well, maybe when I was a teenager, but not anymore.  And certainly not now that I'm happily married.


I have lots of reasons.  First, it's a bit like Christmas.  A religious holiday that's been co-opted by confectioners, savvy florists and greeting card companies in order to turn a buck.  Unlike Christmas though, it doesn't have any of the other good stuff going for it.  I'm pretty sure it's not even a real Saints day anymore. 


If we were in the middle ages (the days of courtly love), I could kind of get behind it, because at least then the 'valentines' were hand written cards.  These days, you just pick a pre-printed message from the rack and sign your name.  Ooooooh, way to go all out and express your love!  Maybe you should buy some flowers at three times the normal price to go with your pre-printed card.  That way you can show your love by being lazy and stupid!


I realize that some of you are clasping your hands over your mouth and saying "Oh My!" in shock at my negative attitude for this day of love.  That's okay.  Because it's really not my fault.  In grade school, Valentines day is innocent.  Everyone in the class gets a card from everyone else, and maybe some sweetheart candies.  It's sweet kids learning how to be nice.  But after that, the innocence wears off as the retailers take over.  At worst it becomes an excuse to not do anything to show your love for the better part of a year.  So, from buying jacked up flowers to pre-printed cards, I just don't do it.  Blame the retailers for stealing the sweetness and innocence and cheapening it in the quest for money.  My attitude is partly their fault.


But mostly, it's my Dad's fault.


Obviously, I had ample time to study his relationship with my Mom growing up.  I do remember him giving her flowers fairly often.  But I don't remember it being Valentine's day.  I remember it being on ordinary days.  It's taken me awhile to figure this out, but I think I have it now.  Instead of waiting for a 'special day' to show his love with flowers, he would make an ordinary day special... for her.


Not just with flowers.  I remember him coming home from work.  It was almost always the same routine.  He would take off his coat and put his wallet and keys in his drawer, then sit down at the dinner table.  Then he would pull Mom onto his lap and give her a kiss.  After some chatting and joking, he would get up and they would get dinner on the table together.


Then there is the giant teddy bear he gave her before I was born, while he was still in the Army.  The Bear's name is S.H. Ortimer, and he sits in a chair at the top of the stairs to this day.  The bear was a gift, but also a symbol.  Dad was a shortimer in the Army and would soon be out and they could get married. 


He also does it by making her laugh, and by giving her gifts that will remind of her of the jokes he makes- to make her smile.  Like his wedding gift to her, a Siamese cat with a biblical name.  (If you want in on that joke, you'll have to ask them)


Speaking of weddings, the engagement ring he gave her wasn't a diamond.  He made that special too by giving her her favorite gemstone instead.


Even more important than the gifts were the other things I watched him give her.  I remember him listening, just listening.  Listening when bad days at work got her down.  And never telling her what he thought she should do until she asked.


And he makes her feel special by holding her hand.  When ever I see them walking together, even today, after so many years together, he always reaches for her hand.


I could go on, but I think you get the picture.  Now you can see it's my Dad's fault.  I spent years watching him make everyday a special day for the one he loves.  And from him I've learned... That chocolates taste better when they aren't expected.  That flowers are brighter and smell sweeter on the ordinary days.  That a handwritten note tucked in a lunch bag on Tuesday always trumps Hallmark drivel on Valentines day.  That hugs and kisses and smiles everyday are way more important than roses on Valentine's day.


That to truly share and show your love, you have to try and make everyday special, not just Valentine's day.  There you have it.  I don't do Valenine's day, because I'm shooting for everyday.

The Baking Soda Bonanza!

Baking Soda.  Not exactly a riveting, on the edge of your seat, topic right?


Or is it?  What if I told you I was going to save you some money and help clean out all those nasty chemical cleaners from under the sink?


In my ongoing quest to live a little greener, simplify my life, and save some money, I have discovered a plethora of uses for sodium bicarbonate.  I can't claim any important discoveries, you can find all this stuff on the web, or in the little book, Baking Soda:  Over 500 Fabulous, Fun, and Frugal Uses You've Probably Never Thought Of.  It really is a little book.  The title barely fits on the cover.


Sure, everyone uses it for cooking, and most folks probably have a box sitting in the fridge.  Actually, if you're anything like me, the box in your fridge is probably years old... and it's time for a new one to keep your fridge smelling clean and fresh instead of smelling like the moldy onions my wife insists will keep forever in the fridge.


Moving on.  We'll save my wife's magic fridge theory for another day.  In addition to those two common uses, is there anyone out there who hasn't at some point turned in the Volcano science project with baking soda and vinegar lava?  Awesome stuff.  And now we have lava.  Oh ye of little faith, I told you this would be riveting, on the edge of your seat stuff!


My path to baking soda bliss actually started with a concern about water.  We all have to drink it.  And we all have to clean the sinks it comes out of.  But when we rinse out our sinks after using our cleaners, where do those chemicals go?  And what will those chemicals do to us (and everything else)?  After the bare minimum of research, I decided I didn't want to drink any of the methylethylnastycrap I was using to clean my house.  When I was living in the city, with a drains to a sewer and water mains from a treatment plant, it was easy to convince myself all that stuff was removed before I was actually drinking the water.  But then I have to ask, where does the stuff they remove go?  This line of questioning can go on for quite some time and you should keep at it until you have yourself concerned.  


Or just consider Trislocan- it's a pretty common antibacterial agent, found in a lot of those antibacterial soaps and cleaners people are nuts for these days.  Most folks have loads of it built up in their bodies, babies are born with it, and now its now been found in Dolphins.  So, even if you don't want to scare yourself into giving up the methylethylbadstuff under your sink, can you at least think of the dolphins, and all the other critters swimming in the seas your cleaners end up in?


Now, once we moved to the country, I really couldn't fool myself into thinking that treatment plants would clean all that junk out of my water.  Because there is no treatment plant here.  We live on a big pond, and even though there are no dolphins in residence, my septic system and leach field are on one side of the driveway, and my well is a short skip away on the other side.  So, now anything that goes down the drain has a better than excellent chance of eventually ending up in the pond, and the water table, and my well.  The well I get my untreated drinking water from.  Plus, I like to fish in our pond, and occasionally I even eat some of those fish.


Clearly, a change was needed.  I had already switched to 'green' type cleaners, like Simple Green.  But even that wasn't so simple.  Checking the MSDS, I saw it was mostly water with a little bit of the hard to pronounce tetramethylethylbadstuff.  Nothing to call Erin Brockovich about, but I thought I could do better.  And, at $12.00 bucks for the mix your own gallon jug, it's not quite as cheap I was hoping for.  Especially since it's almost 80% water.


Enter baking soda.  Here are just a few of the ways I use it, and the various chemical laden cleaners I've replaced:


1.  Oven cleaning:  Those spray cans have to be some of the nastiest cleaners going.  Just sprinkle baking soda on the bottom and then dampen it with some water from a spray bottle.  Then go to bed.  In the morning scoop out the grime laden baking soda and rinse.

Easy Off- $5.99     Box of Baking Soda- about a buck

2.  Soft Scrub:  Just sprinkle on some baking soda and then scrub with a damp sponge or rag instead.  You have to scrub anyway (it's called Soft SCRUB) so it's not like you're doing more work.  Rinse thoroughly and wipe dry.  And you can use it on fiberglass and glossy tile as well.

Soft Scrub- $2.78    Baking Soda- about a buck

3.  Carpet Fresh:  Some people like those heavy perfume scents I guess.  Not me.  When we had carpet, I would just sprinkle some baking soda on the carpet to deodorize it.  Do it just before bed and let it sit overnight.  Then vacuum it up in the morning.

Carpet Fresh- $3.00    Baking Soda- about a buck

4.  Odor Eaters:  yes, my shoes get stinky.  Odor eater shoe powder will work, but so will baking soda sprinkled inside.  And while Odor Eater powder will set you back almost six bucks, a box of baking soda can be had for... about a buck.




That should give you a rough idea.  Search the web and you'll find tons more.  Pretty much anything that needs deodorizing or anything that needs scrubbing can be cleaned with baking soda.  It's cheap, it's easy, and it's a hell of a lot less toxic and persistent in the environment and your body.  It's certainly less likely to screw up your thyroid and sex hormones.  I'll bet the dolphins probably don't like endocrine disruptors either.




A few new things were going to try doing with baking soda:


At the dentist the other day, my hygienist said I should start brushing with baking soda.  She said straight up is great, but the taste leaves a bit to be desired.  She also suggested just dipping my toothpaste laden brush into some and using it that way.  I'll be trying that soon.  In the meantime, check your toothpaste- it might have a dose of trislocan since it can fight gingivitis.


And my wife is now on board to go 'No-Poo'.  Which means using baking soda and vinegar for shampooing, not an actual ceasing of fecal clearing activity.  It sounds like once your scalp and hair adjust to life without chemicals, it will feel and look cleaner, shinier, and healthier than ever before.  As soon as the current bottles run dry, we shall see.


Besides saving money, and feeling much better about what goes down my drain (and eventually comes back out the faucet), there is one more benefit to this baking soda bonanza.  I don't have to go to the dump/recycling center as often.  I never have plastic spray bottles and empty aerosol cans filling up the trash bin.  That's nice too.


Oh... and the Dolphins.  Who wouldn't want to help save the dolphins?

In this corner, weighing 35 pounds...

Hug O' War

I will not play at tug o' war

I'd rather play at hug o' war,

Where everyone hugs 

Instead of tugs,

Where everyone giggles

And rolls on the rug,

Where everyone kisses,

And everyone grins

And everyone cuddles,

And everyone wins.

                        -Shel Silverstein

So the boys have invented Hug O' War.  Well, okay, they didn't invent it.  But they did arrive at it independently of outside influence.  So, while they can't claim credit for being the first to invent it, it is a new invention to them.


It's pretty funny to watch as well.  They circle each other like two wrestlers (The real kind, not the WWE kind).  Eventually, they collide together and grapple.  They giggle the entire time.


The giggles continue as they circle around together, in the Hug O' War embrace.  Eventually, someone gets dizzy and they fall.  Or someone trips and they fall.  Or someone tries to step back and let go and they fall.  


The round ends when someone falls, but usually the giggles don't.  The game will continue until someone inadvertently falls on a toy.  That's also usually when the giggles stop.  It's an accident though, and no penalties are assessed to either combatant.


There doesn't seem to be any standard uniform for Hug O' War.  I've seen it played in pajamas, underwear, even nekked.  Nor does the arena matter.  As long as there is enough space for wary, giggle filled, circling, the game can commence.  It's a lot like hacky sack that way.  Not that I've ever been involved in nekked hacky sack... 


Fergus (our smelly basset hound) serves as the main spectator (home and away, he barks for both sides) and referee.  He will make broader, counter circles around Quinn and Elliott, panting, slobbering, and with the occasional sharp bark if he thinks things are too rough.  If the boys don't respond to his 'whistle', he'll run over and bark at me.


John Gierach was right- if you don't give a dog a job, he'll make up his own, and it will inevitably be fun.  For Fergus, that means not only trying to get in on the Hug O' War action, but also keeping an eye on his family, making sure no one gets hurt while having fun.  There is probably a lesson in there somewhere.


I've been thinking about having some friends over to watch the Hug O' War battles.  Maybe a few beers, some friendly wagering.  It could be a lot of fun.  But then I realize I have two problems.  Do I really want to sully something so pure as the joy and happiness the boys have playing hug o' war by turning it into a spectator sport with beer and betting?  Probably not.  And, much like the mysterious uniform rules, I can't really figure out the game schedule.  They seem to take place where ever and when ever the mood strikes.  So anyone I invited would probably miss the main event anyway.


Anyway, the amazing part to me isn't that they inadvertently invented this game on their own... the same game immortalized by Shel in his poem.  What's amazing is that so many kids have invented it on their own.  Sure, mostly I see my boys play it with each other, but I've seen it played at parks, and I'm sure other parents have too.  


So what's amazing about that?  Well, surrounded by toys and activities and TV, and computers, and all the other distractions modern life has to offer my little heathens, they chose to invent a game for themselves.  One that involves hugs and giggles, and kisses and cuddles.  One that we all win.


I'm sure there is a lesson in that.  


Probably the first of many my boys will teach me, if I pay attention.    

Thank You Phil

Groundhog day, 2012.  I'm cheering because fuzzy Phil has seen his shadow and we can now expect six more weeks of winter.  I've always loved winter.  Maybe I've never outgrown the wonderful excitement of snow days.  I mean, I love all the seasons, but winter is special.  I think it's because I've figured out winter's secrets.  Well that and the snow days of course.


So many people think of winter as dead season, everything buried under a blanket of snow and ice and cold.  Asleep and waiting for spring to wake up and come back to life.  Not only are they wrong, they are missing so much.

Eat and Save the World

"Well," said Pooh, "What I like best--" and then he had to stop and think.  Because although eating honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called.






Being Crunchy can mean lots of different things.  I'm not exactly sure how I got started on my own path to crunchiness.  Some of it was wanting to save money, some of it was wanting to save the planet.  Some of it was just remembering the stuff I did with my parents as a kid and wanting to do more of it as an adult.