Milestone Monday

So milestones are a big deal to parents.  Most people know this.  It's how we gauge the progress our kids are making.  They become badges for some, things to be proud of, and maybe even boast about.


The baby books center around them.  My favorite book even tries to make sure you don't go totally nuts about them by saying things like "Your child might do this, may do this, should do this at X months".  They also advise you to bring missed milestones to your doctor's attention at certain points.  I like that, that kind of advice has helped us get the boys some extra help now and then.



But I do have a problem with milestones.  There aren't enough of them and the ones we do use aren't nearly descriptive enough.


Sleeping through the night is a big milestone for most parents.  Same with potty training.  And how about walking?  That's a big deal, usually celebrated with a flurry of parental picture and video activity.


But, do those milestones every really happen?


They didn't for my little cavemen.  Or if they did they were quickly followed by other milestones that the baby books seem to gloss over or skip completely.  So quickly that I wonder if they should actually be called milestones.


For example, the walking thing.  Yep, they walked.  Then they ran.  Which was quickly followed by running into things.  The books don't cover the 'running into things' milestone.  Or the 'Stopping with socks on before you slide into the refrigerator' milestone.  Sure, it's kind of funny to watch your kids run around, then slide into large appliances.  But eventually it happens often enough that you start to wonder about repeated head trauma and if that will impact their ability to one day be the leader of the free world.  And all the baby books remain strangely silent on the topic.


Last night we hit not one, but two new, (and apparently unknown) milestones.


First Elliott.  He hit what is commonly referred to as 'sleeping through the night' some time ago.  Since then, he's also hit the 'getting up earlier every day' milestone as well.  Is getting up at 4:30 am really sleeping through the night?  I'm dubious.  Well last night he reached the 'falling out of bed' milestone.  I should be celebrating right?  I suppose I would have, but by the third time I found him crying on the floor, any joy I might have felt was replaced with that crusty eyed lack of sleep frustration feeling.  The fourth time I decided to wait and see what he was actually doing.  I mean, he's been sleeping in his toddler bed for months with no issue.  Why is he suddenly rolling out?


It turns out he decided he needed to have a foot on the floor.  I watched him, sleeping, slowly slide closer and closer to the edge of his bed.  Eventually he got to the point where one leg was hanging over, and his upper half was shoved up against the safety railing.  Then he slid a little more, trying to get that foot on the floor, still sleeping.  Then, in his final attempt, he tried to slide a little further still... and whacked his head on the railing.  BANG!  And so he tries to sit up in sleepy surprise and shock.  Now that his upper half is no longer supported by the railing, WHAM he hits the floor.  Okay, now I know what's going on.  And the baby books say nothing about dealing with this particular rite of toddler hood.  I'm on my own.  In my sleep deprived state, duct tape was briefly considered as a serious solution.  In the end we just barricaded the open end of his bed with blankets, stuffed animals, and a big bean bag chair.


With the taste of success in my mouth, and the soft snores of a sleeping toddler filling my ears, I head back to my own bed down the hall.  Quinn has blissfully slept through all the shenanigans like a happy little cherub.  That can't last.


And sure enough, about an hour later I hear Quinn yelling.  Not crying, yelling.  DAAAAAADDDYYYY!


I hightail it down the hall, tripping over cats in my haste.  I fling open the door, flip on the light, wondering if I'm going to be dealing with the first nightmare ever.  No such luck.  


Quinn blinks in the sudden brightness.  I blink as well.  The blissful cherub is still smiling, but now he's naked.  As sleepy neurons valiantly try to fire up, this fact is slow to register.  Then, "Why is he naked?"


Quickly, it becomes clear.  We have been working to achieve the 'potty training' milestone.  Both boys do pretty well during the day, but at night they still wear diapers, since we are pretty sure they will sleep through the gotta go feeling.  Not tonight though!  Quinn woke up and decided to go.  Standing at one end of his bed, he has completely hosed down his blankets, sheets, pillow, several stuffed animals, and parts of the wall and floor.  


He has created a urine utopia.


And now he's beaming proudly, waiting for me to acknowledge the latest milestone.  The 'I wet the bed because I MEANT to' milestone.  You won't find that one in the books either.


What can I do?  We mop up the worst of the mess, change the sheets and blankets, and toss the stuffed animals downstairs to get washed.  As a semi crunchy dad, I briefly consider putting the dry diaper I find back on him.  But I toss that idea aside almost as quickly as the duct tape one.  A fresh diaper is followed by fresh pajamas.  And finally a hug, because yes Quinn, I am proud of you.  Not so much for reaching this new and previously undocumented milestone though... 


I'm proud that you have redefined the phrase "Wee hours of the morning".  Way to go kid.




And sleeping through the night?  Two and a half years into my career as a stay at home dad, I'm convinced it's a milestone myth.