a` la Letterman

Autumn had a pretty good pregnancy.  She got that glow all pregnant women get, a sort of sublime beauty that should last, but can't.


Sure, parts that shouldn't swell did, and there was some morning sickness.  But that was over quickly, or compensated for with comfy shoes and new bras.  I think the worst was the heart burn.  That was hotter than the after burners on an F-15 I'm told.



Oh, little did we know.


That sublime beauty can't last because as soon as they arrive, sleep for you ends.  And even when some semblance of rest can be had, that simple joy is replaced by returning to work.  Which for Autumn also entailed a forced friendship with a medela pump.  You haven't experienced strange behavior until you've heard your wife carry on conversations with her breast pump.


But for me, that pregnancy stuff was pretty easy.  No late night store runs for weird and disgusting food combinations.  No strange behavior changes reminiscent of the exorcist.  A minimum of vomit and tears.  Mostly we had lots of fun picking names as we lay in bed at night, anxiously awaiting the arrival of our surely perfect offspring.  And yeah, feeling your kids kick you through Mommy's stomach redefines the phrase 'wicked cool'.  


I was along for the ride, and my only real responsibility was to be ready with kind and supportive words at a moments notice.  The rest of the time I was dreaming about how awesome my kids would be.  Would they grow up to cure cancer?  Become President? Be the first to walk on Mars? Unite the world in peace?  Anything seemed possible as I lay in bed at night.  Looking up at the ceiling, my hand gently resting on Autumn's ever expanding baby building workshop, it was clear my children would usher in a new era of love and joy and everything good in the world.


Oh little did I know.


How quickly my dreams would be crushed.  Dashed, headfirst into a wall of absurdity, to then be buried deep in the day's lunacy.


I suppose there is still some hope for greatness.  But it's looking much less certain.  Although, I guess President of the United States in never really out of reach.  In nine months of dreaming, I envisioned many conversations with my kids.  Me as the wise Dad, them gratefully soaking up my knowledge and putting it to good use.  But I never envisioned these conversations...


The Top Ten Things I Never Realized I would Say to My Kids


1.  We pee in the potty not the dog's water bowl.


2.  Kitty Cats are for petting, not for biting.


3.  Take your finger out of your nose please.


4.  Take your finger out of your brother's nose please.


5.  We share our toys, not boogers.


6.  Toilets bowls are for pooping in, not washing our trucks in.


7.  Stop licking me.  GROSS Stop Licking Me!


8.  Please use a tissue, not my sleeve.


9.  When you sit on the potty, you have to tuck it in.


10.  NOOOOOOO!  That's the dogs toothbrush!




The worst part?  This is really a 'Top Ten So Far' list.  I'm sure there is worse to come.  For instance, nothing so far in the list mentions crayons.  I am 100% positive that I will some day soon have to say something about crayons.  Probably crayons and nasal passages.  


Luckily, Autumn deals with that kind of thing all the time in the ER.